Get in the naughty whore corner
Credits for the header image: https://moniqueduggan.wordpress.com/2016/08/24/the-whorearchy/
Whenever I get contacted by a woman wanting to get into domination, the first thing I always warn them about is that domination is sex work, and sex work turns you into a societal pariah. It’s a fact of life. People are scared of sex, don’t know how to handle sexual openness, and definitely can’t handle the concept of people making money from something so intimate. What I would really prefer not to have to tell people who come to see me for advice is that slut shaming is just as rife within the sex work community as it is without.
This is the 5th time that I’ve sat down in front of my computer to write this article. It’s a subject that I’ve been ranting to various people about for months now. It’s something that gets my blood boiling, it’s something that upsets me so much, and to be honest, it’s something that I myself have been guilty of in the past. The problem is that every time that I sit down and try and write an article about it that is not emotionally involved, my inspiration dries up and I end up sitting in front of an empty screen for two hours. So you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to just go with the flow, get emotional, get upset, get angry… I’m going to write from my heart, and if what I have to say upsets people, if my language and the strength of my opinions rile people up, then so be it. This is not a subject that I can calmly pontificate on. This is the ultimate example of how insidious the patriarchal powers that be are, how much we women are programmed to be pitched against each other. We must take notice, we much check ourselves, and we must stand up free ourselves from thousands of years of mental conditioning passed down through the generations. How can we ever believe we Women will take over the world if we are divided?
So what is all this about then? Well I don’t know if you remember, but a while ago I blogged about finding my libido again after a very long time of being pretty much asexual. That libido has truly come back full force. In fact, over the last couple of years, I have grown to be hornier and more sexually voracious than ever before in my life. I have also managed to free myself of over a decade of shame around my sexuality, ever since in my late teens, my friends hosted an “intervention” because I was having fun being sexually explorative and enjoying the company of different guys. Apparently, sleeping with a grand total of maybe 5 guys in the space of 1 year means that I have a problem. So anyway, I got publicly shamed, and my entire town branded me a slut (I come from a very small town). So when I moved away and came to England at the ripe old age of 19, I became so careful about sleeping with anyone, and this continued (with the occasional ‘I don’t give a fuck‘ outburst of sexual activity here and there) until not that long ago. My desires became completely suppressed under a layer of shame at being a ‘slut’. I was not allowed to revel in being a sexual being. I was surrounded by sex and sexuality, even ended up working in male fantasies and joining a community that is based around sexual desires, yet still, I could not allow myself to get in touch with my own desires. I was stunted and had been, through my own shame, reprogrammed to look down upon anyone who was sexually free themselves.
I became a Dominatrix and was in complete denial about being a sex worker for a very long time. Of course I knew that I was a sex worker, and I knew that I was cashing in on being a male fantasy. Yet I also refused to admit to myself that even such things as strap on play or edging were sexual. I did everything in my power to be as un-seductive as possible. To tell the truth, I was pretty disgusted at the idea that men were seeing me as a sexual object, and hence I did everything within my power to distance myself from anything sexual. I am actually pretty amazed that I had a career at all for my first 3 years as a Mistress, let alone that I made a name for myself in those first few years. I mean, I was literally punishing men for coming to see me. Bless his soul, my poor poor personal slave Squealy, spent more than a year locked in chastity without an orgasm, only being allowed out to get his balls annihilated under my Dr Martens. I did this to him because I was horrified at his feelings for me and I used the chastity as a way to make myself feel safe. If his balls were locked up, he could never try anything on with me, could he? He was asexualised by his cock cage, rendered harmless.
But anyway, enough about my story and back to the subject at hand. Slut shaming. We’ve all heard about it, it’s being talked about on all social media, news channels, magazines… For those of you living under a rock, slut shaming is the act of pointing out and stigmatising a woman for being promiscuous. So basically, your neighbour Jenny has been seen receiving male guests at her house so now the whole neighbourhood is gossiping about her being a slut and having no morals. That is slut shaming.
As a sex worker, you kind of know that you are going to be slut shamed right left and centre. Women (most of whom have been brought up to not only have no self esteem but also see all other women as threats and be sexually repressed) see you as a predator who is going to show them up and steal their man or prevent them from finding a man. It’s quite sad, really. Because we could teach them so much, help them liberate themselves, but instead they either brand us as sluts or even worse, as victims! But anyway, it’s kind of to be expected from your average woman whose only encounters with sex work are likely through having seen Pretty Woman, seeing dead prostitutes on CSI and watching sensationalist documentaries about human trafficking and homeless street workers.
As an out and out Dominatrix since the beginning, I have always been very excited to share my experiences with what I call ‘normals’. I love telling people what I do then answering their questions. But now, when I look back to how I did it in the first 2 or 3 years of my career, there was this definite need to reassure them that I don’t have sex with people. As if that would make me acceptable in their eyes, reassure them that I am not a filthy harlot or a drug addict. “Oh it’s OK, she doesn’t fuck them! Thank goodness for that!” I have also seen many other Dominatrices do this, and now it saddens me. My rhetoric has greatly changed over the years. Now I proudly call myself a sex worker, and I sometimes jokingly use the terms whore and prostitute to describe myself when speaking with ‘normals’. I think it’s important to show people that it’s not about whether you suck cock or not, it’s not about whether you get fucked for money or not. We are all thinking feeling beings who have made choices in our lives because X type of sex work suits us best. Who are they to judge whether I am the ‘acceptable’ type of sex worker or not?
Now the thing that is really quite surprising is not that your average mother of two is going to see you, a sex worker, as scum… no. The really shocking thing is that those who are likely to watch you and judge you the hardest are your peers and colleagues. Yup, the other sex workers. I don’t know about you, but I personally think that whether we suck cock in public toilets, provide G.F.E. in 5 star hotels, give sultry one on one dances, make people bleed in a dungeon, give oily body to body massages, wank off in front of a webcam, provide long term companionship in exchange for an allowance or even act in adult films… we are all sex workers. If our work revolves around sexual fantasy or sexual desire, guess what baby! You’re a sex worker! Now I know, I know… you might say “Ah, but I don’t suck cock/kiss/have sex/do anal/do kinky shit/wank in front of people/meet people in real life…” Indeed, there are plenty of services which other sex workers provide which you do not. But then again, there are services that you provide and that someone else prides themselves on not providing. Yup… someone out there says exactly the same thing about one of your main services, and convinces themselves that that makes what they do OK. Because that’s what it really comes down to, you see?
So within sex work, there is this weird unspoken hierarchy. It’s super complex and I’m not going to spell it out here, but basically there are the sex workers that all the other privileged sex workers look down upon, then the next rung of sex workers are looked down upon by the next rung etc. And of course, because sex work is not in any way shape or form legislated, has no academy or office ruling its categorisation, no school giving out diplomas for it, there are blurred lines between all the different types of sex work. I will illustrate this with an example which is very close to home. So you have a Dominatrix, and you have an escort. The Dominatrix provides Femdom services (NO SEX! NEVER ANY SEX!) and the escort provides sex (BUT NO KINKY FEMDOM STUFF!!!! VANILLA ONLY!) well… what about if you are an escort and your customers start asking you for kinky stuff? So you start dominating them before having sex with them… and they start writing reviews, and you start putting up photos of yourself in kinky clothing and a whip in your hand because clearly there is a market for it… The number of times I have heard fellow ProDommes slagging off kinky escorts for stealing their business! The number of times I have heard ProDommes say “Because of them, all our clients will expect us to give them blow jobs too! They are ruining our reputation!”
If you are a professional Mistress, or you are a submissive who visits professional Mistresses, I am certain that you too have heard this discourse. Of course you have! Maybe you’ve even said it yourself! But stop to think for a second. Realistically… are the punters that thick that they don’t understand that we are all individuals and each and every one of us offers different services? Of course they know it. It’s not because of escorts offering kinky services with sex that suddenly every T. D. & H. is going to come and ask you for a kinky fuck! The ones who do are the morons who would have asked for that anyway.
And the same goes for the second issue, which is much closer to my heart… What happens if like me, you are a professional Dominatrix who never did anything remotely sexual, and thus was at the top of this stupid sex work hierarchy, and then you start getting horny… a lot… and your clients are horny… and sometimes, you get really horny in a session. So you decide that “Hey, there’s this guy here all tied up, and he’s really good at sucking my toes. I’m so horny. Maybe I should just sit on his face and make him give me an orgasm!” And you get even more turned on at the thought of it, and you think, Hey! I am a Dominatrix! I have the power! I am going to make this guy lick me out! And you do it. And it’s great.
And then you tell your friends about it, friends who are also Dominatrices, and they tell you what you did is so very wrong. That man might be married! He might have children! You have no right to take advantage of him sexually! You’re a Dominatrix! Not a whore! Because of what you did, that man will now go around expecting every dominatrix to let him lick her out! And you’re making him cheat on his wife! HAVE YOU NO MORALS!!!??????
BITCH PLEASE! I’m a motherfucking SEX WORKER.
That guy is already cheating on his wife. You think him eating me out is gonna make a difference? I guarantee you that not only was that session the best day of his life, but also that he knows he was lucky. He knows that he only got that treat because I was in the mood. And he feels fucking PRIVILEGED to have been allowed to give me an orgasm. You know what else? That orgasm was goooooood!
Now when my Dominatrix friends started slut shaming me and pulling that whorearchy shit on me for what I had done, it triggered a lot of my old emotions around sex. Even though I defended myself tooth and nail, I began to feel insecure again, and to wonder if maybe I was an awful person, crossing boundaries that must not be crossed and putting my sisters in danger. Then I realised that none of that was true. And more than a year on, I am still happily using slaves who come to session with me as and when I feel. No slave, even one returning, has ever felt entitled enough to ask or demand sexual services from me. Each and every one of them has known that they are lucky bastards and that I hold the power. And some never get it because I’m simply not in the mood that day. And they never complain when they don’t get it. They don;t expect it. Nobody emails me asking for stuff like that either.
But those friends who slut shamed me are no longer my friends. And I feel sorry for them, because they don’t realise it, but really they feel some sort of shame deep down about the fact that they are sex workers, and placing themselves hierarchically above other types of sex workers allows them to go through the day without having to look at themselves and address their guilt/shame/self hatred or whatever else is plaguing them.
Meanwhile, I may be a slutty Mistress, I may be having full sex on camera and getting dirty with some of my clients, I may be ‘Giving Femdom a bad name”, but you know what? I am loving my job more than I ever have, and I am having a bloody fantastic time.
The moral of this story is: As long as you are not hurting anybody either physically or mentally, then go ahead and do what you want to do! Be you and rock it! And don’t let anyone shame you or tell you that they are better than you. Each and every one of us is an individual and there is DEFINITELY enough room in this town for all of us, so…