What is a F.L.R?

Hello dear readers, today I am going to talk about a topic that has been preoccupying My thoughts recently, due to a conversation with one of My boys the other night. The F.L.R., or Female Led Relationship, is a concept as old as time, but not one that is part of common consciousness.

F.L.R.’s have been around ever since men have been attracted to Women. and are not strictly limited to BDSM based relationships. Every time that the thought crosses your head that the man in a couple that you know seems to be “under the thumb” of his Female partner, consider again what you are really looking at. Chances are that rather than this being a weak man who is letting himself be ruled by a controlling and manipulative Woman, that man might very well have chosen to surrender his control do a dominant Lady and give Her the power in the relationship.

The dynamics of a F.L.R. can be very confusing for men, even the most submissive ones. Television, films, books, and all other media feed us, from a very young age, images of what is considered a “one size fits all” conventional relationship stereotype. We know what is OK and what is not from having seen it a thousand times and simply having to mimic it: from the first date and first kiss, to putting your arm around a Lady when curled up in front of the TV. The roles are predefined as a normalised concept that everyone aspires to adhere to in an effort to find happiness.

Like sheep in a field, most of us strive to find this perfect balance, as presented to us again and again as the absolute ideal. But is it really? We are all different. Every one of you is an individual, and every single person that you interact with in your life is too. We all have very different relationships with our own parents from one another, as we do with our friends. So why strive to have the exact same “Dating-kissing-fucking-marriage-house-children” relationship as everyone else? Well, one good reason might be for comfort. As I mentioned above, we have the advantages of knowing the rules in this one. Having been fed this concept through a tube since early childhood, we know exactly where we stand in it, what our roles are, and it’s all easy sailing… or so we think. The reality is very different. We try again and again to have that “perfect” relationship that we are taught to aspire to. When it goes wrong, we choose to keep up the illusion for the outside world to see how happy we are, because god forbid that we not be good enough to be that happily married Mr and Mrs Smith.

We inevitably fail at it though. Try as we might, something always goes wrong. It starts with irritation, bickering, then maybe full blown fights. Or we just drift apart. Why might this be? In My belief, the answer lies in one simple thing: One shoe does not fit every foot. It isn’t about you moulding yourself into something else in order to reach a pre-set goal. Happiness isn’t something that you reach for, it’s something that comes from within. Forget the rules of society. 99% of those who are following them are miserable anyway. You are an individual. Your internal wiring is unlike that of anyone else in the world. You have your own identity, and your own life experiences which all combine to create the unique being that is you. Therefore, there are certain things that make you happy that might not be considered conventional for men. Maybe you watch football down at the pub every week, pretending to enjoy it so that you can feel part of a clan, when in fact all you are really dreaming of is being at the feet of a Woman who will look down Her nose at you as She flicks ash into your mouth. That’s ok. You may not fit in with those football fan friends of yours, but you will fit in with that Woman and her environment when you find her. We all feel a need to belong to something. We are social animals. But don’t let society dictate to you what it is that you need to belong to. Follow your heart.

As for the rules of the F.L.R., well they are pretty simple. The woman makes the rules. As relayed to Me by My personal slave the other day when we had a heart to heart conversation, this can feel very hard for the male submissive. There is a constant fear of overstepping boundaries, doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing… the list goes on. The problem seems to be that being so used to predefined roles in relationships that are laid out for us all to see, the unknown of a F.L.R. where the individual Woman is the one who makes the rules, seems quite overwhelming. Every Domina is different and, as such, no two will make the same rules. I live with Governess Ely. We share a house and Our slaves are always pottering around and serving Us. We both have very different ways of interacting with Our boys, and demand different things of them. If you think about it, this is the beauty of the F.L.R.. There are no predefined rules, so through the growth of a relationship between a dominant Woman and a submissive male, their discovery of each other, a totally unique relationship evolves: one that fits the two of them perfectly. No pre-defined roles or rules, just those that the Female decides upon through Her own tastes and Her observation of Her submissive. This is sure to bring out the best in the submissive, who despite feeling lost and confused, will be putting his trust in his Mistress to decide upon what is best for him, in the secure knowledge that she can read him like a book.

This is a relationship of growth and self discovery, in which a Woman sets the rules as they please Her, and might even enjoy seeing Her submissive confused and worried. After all, We need entertainment, and the best entertainment comes from playing with men like toys. We nurture you, and watch you grow with pride, but We also greatly enjoy watching you squirm.

It can seem quite daunting for submissive men to go out and find the perfect Mistress. You write emails to dozens of ladies only to be rebuked by all of them. Most tell you that they do not take on personal slaves, others tell you that you are rude, others still don’t even answer your emails. So it’s all well and good talking about the F.L.R., but how the hell do you actually go around getting into one? The answer is simple. Offer yourself humbly, let the Lady know that you are available to serve Her should She need you. Forget about offering yourself as an ashtray, or toilet… Offer down to earth services. Let Her know that you will be happy to do Her laundry, dishes, or hoovering. Tell Her that it would be your delight to be Her errand boy. Serve Her in the purest sense of the word, expecting nothing in return. Spoil Her with gifts. They don’t need to be big and expensive if your budget won’t allow for it. Find out about Her, read up about what She likes, and make Her gifts to suit Her interests. Write Her a poem, or pick Her some flowers. If you do have the budget, by all means then splurge on Her. Wow Her with your gifts, either for their value or the thoughtfulness that went into them. Serve silently and well. Listen to what She tells you, and avoid monopolising conversation. Once you have proven yourself to be a valuable asset, She will open up to you and allow you to open up to Her. Patience is a virtue, and in the game of finding a Mistress, it will pay off.

Luckily for you boys, Governess Ely and I are very keen on having house boys at Dungeon Manor. We fully endorse the Femdom lifestyle and are always on the look out for good houseboys. So don’t hesitate to contact Me and offer your services. If we gel, who knows where it might take us? And if we don’t, you will leave with valuable experience that will allow you to go off into the world more sure of yourself as a slave and all the more ready to find the perfect Mistress for you.

EDIT: My personal slave squealy wrote a response to this post. CLICK HERE to read it.

  • Instep

    Dear Mistress Evilyn, I found BDSM 6 months ago but have not as yet had the courage to present myself to a mistress. I am 50 so late to this but think I always carry myself showing respect and decorum to others but I am trying to learn my responsibilities before I take the plunge. A blog from someone with your experience is invaluable and I thank-you sincerely for taking the time to write.

    When “profiled” I always come out as a logical thinker. Analytical and practical but feel uncomfortable with emotional behaviour. Things people with a large emotional range find easy to see are sometimes not obvious to me and learning from you is a welcome gift.

    I hope someone may find my organisational skills useful and my easily confused and worried personality an enjoyable plaything. 🙂

    Again, my thanks for your blog.



    15th February 2015 at 7:21 pm
  • Breakfaster2011

    MSEvilyne thank You for this wonderful article. As with books like ms Suttons and many articles like Yours, it’s everytime a joy to read a Womans perspective on a FLR. Your “angle” is differtent to others, as may be your taste in food be diiferent. The common fetish perspective on FLR of us males are mostly based on our interpretation of what we would like to be. Your and squeelies writings describing the strength and impact an IKEA trip might have are such a wonderful realistic approach on this subject.
    i have a Wife, whom i love dearly, and who means the World to me.. otherwise i would have opted for a place in Your Manor, even for a cpl of hours 🙂
    Your admirerer,

    17th February 2015 at 10:35 am
  • frank

    Dear Ms. Evilyne,

    thank You for sharing Your views in this (and so many other) interesting posts with the world. I think that are few things in culture and nature that are generally so misunderstood by the general public as the true concept of Femdom.

    What people usually see is just the outside of things, the surface: The boots, the leather, the apparent cruelty, the disturbing display of subjection. But people do not realize that behind this somtimes posh and shiny, sometimes terrifying and scary surface often (if it works out well)hides a secret world of deepest feelings that is unvisible to the outsider: Genuine affection, true care, sincere admiration, honest adoration… which all add up to what one just might simply call: Love

    At least this is the feeling on the male side of the leash. As for the feelings on the Female end, i can only hope, but still not really tell…

    Your writing would be so helpful to resolve this apparent contradiction between surface and content for the world. However, i am afraid, those who will read Your blog will know anyway, whereas the ignorant millions out there will just keep on shaking their heads in a mixture of amusement, disbelieve and disgust over an elegant woman who has her shoes kissed by a submissive male right in the middle on Bond Street … to then go home and drool over a music video in which the femnale singer seems to have been outfitted by a top notch fetish atelier.

    However, my request is, please don´t give up teaching the ignorant … and leading the male gender …

    Have a nice Sunday


    22nd February 2015 at 10:43 am

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