The difference between a Domme and a Cunt

There seems to be this terrible preconception that Dominatrices are bitches: cold heartless cunts who use and abuse men for their pleasure before throwing them away like trash. There are quite a few ladies out there for whom this preconception works very well, allowing them to bask in their over-inflated egos and ignore the ethical conundum of the difference between BDSM and abuse. You will recognise these ladies from their twitter feeds full of hatred and spite towards both men and other Mistresses. BDSM, Femdom, and general D/s are not about “I am better than you”. It is fun to play this game within the context of a scene, but at the end of the day it can cause irreparable damage to believe that this is true.

Many of you who read My blog are not actively involved in the BDSM scene, if at all.  There is a strict code of conduct and ethics on the BDSM scene that is there for a reason. Quite a few professional Mistresses get away with shunning that code due to the fact that many of their clients have no idea of its existence. They parade themselves as professional, when all they are really after is your money, whatever the consequences to your well being.

So many men who come to Me for sessions, or who come to serve at Dungeon Manor tell Me horror stories about their past experiences. I hear stories of extortion, blackmail, abuse both emotional and physical… the list goes on. Some of this will have been one session with one Mistress, some over up to many years of servitude. What truly hurts Me in all of this is that when they tell Me these stories, they tell them to Me as if it’s normal to be treated this way by Mistresses. IT IS NOT NORMAL! 

I know your fantasies are about being treated like dirt, used and abused… but what you need to do is look back on those past sessions. The lady you paid so dearly for a service treated you terribly and then showed you the door. What happens next? You get sub drop, alone. Any intense experience produces a high, then a low. If the high was intense, expect the low to be so too. Any “professional” Mistress has a duty to take care of you. We are getting paid enough that we can afford to spend that little bit of extra time helping you to unwind from your intense experience.

Sorry to break it to all the ladies out there, but this is a customer service industry just like any other. You, the submissive/masochist/arse slut… are paying to have an experience. You are paying large amounts to have this experience with someone who will be professional about it. Femdom exists, Femdom is a huge part of My life. But if you are paying Me good money, I owe it to you to play safely, play consensually, and take care of you afterwards. I owe it to you not to create emotional trauma. I owe it to you to treat you as a human once our time is up, and to give you the after-care and customer service that you deserve for paying so much for My time.

Does this make Me a “fake”? You decide. I know that I am a strong alpha female. I know that I have always been an independent spirit. I know that whenever I have tried to “submit” in work environments, it has blown up in My face. I know that I have always enjoyed kicking men in the balls. I didn’t know about the world of Femdom until 2 years ago, but I am intelligent and motivated and I worked it out for Myself and have built something special that I am very proud of and that is going to last. I’m not in this for instant gain. I want to build a legacy.

So, how do you tell a good, caring Dominant from a complete cunt? Well the number 1 rule to follow is simple: Do they come across as a complete cunt? That’s a pretty good place to start. Do they sp[end their time talking about how their way is the only way? Do they continually publicly smear other ladies (whether directly or indirectly) on social media? Do they talk about men as lesser beings and talk about themselves as royalty?

I’m going to tell you a very well kept secret, so listen carefully:

We are all human!

I know, shocking, isn’t it? People have this habit of putting others on a pedestal. We see it with pop stars, we see it with politicians. But you know what? Saddam was found living in a hole in the ground, Michael Jackson died broke and lonely… We are all human. This whole “do you know who I am” malarkey has to stop. Anyone who thinks that they are better than everyone else doesn’t deserve your attention, however pretty she might be, and however sexy she looks in rubber. Dominance is more than skin deep and coming across as an angry cunt isn’t being dominant.

One thing that will come across if you speak to anyone who has visited Me is that I am a nice person. Does this make Me any less of a Dominatrix? Not at all. You see, I worked out a long time ago that you don’t need to be mean to be dominant. In fact, you don’t need to be dominant to be dominant. You either have an alpha personality or you don’t. You either awe people or you don’t. When slaves are round the house and I want a cup of tea, I say please. When they leave after a session, I say thank you for coming to see Me. I am as grateful as them. I am grateful that they chose to share their experience with Me. I never say “I want.” Never. Even if they are wearing My collar, they deserve to be treated nicely. Men are fragile, just like women. We all have our past traumas, we are all haunted by ghosts. We all have our moments of self doubt, and we all need a bit of love and encouragement.

The rude, cold bitches who talk to you like shit from the first email, take your money and tell you that you are worthless, they are not dominant. They are horrible bullies who are working the system to their advantage. You might get your kick while with them, but you will leave them under a veil of self loathing and shame. As I have mentioned in the past, there is no shame to be had in submitting. You should celebrate your desire to submit! Experiencing your fantasies should make you happy! Anyone who talks to you like dirt doesn’t deserve the time of day. Trust Me.

There are lots of ladies out there who try to impress you with their expensive shoes and a load of bullshit about how successful they are. It’s all pomp. Google them… try and find on-line reviews. Any good Mistress worth Her name will have loads of reviews. Some of them might be fake of course. how to tell? If it is short and non-specific, she probably wrote it herself. I post reviews on My website on a regular basis. All that I ask is “would you please be so kind to write Me a review?” and a few days later I receive a novel, relating every last detail of our time together. Never have I received a short non-specific review along the lines of “Mistress really know how to make me submit. Mistress was so sexy. Mistress really knew how to find her way into my brain…”

If you can’t find anything good about them, then that’s probably because nobody found their experience to be good. Don’t waste your money.

Speaking of wasting money, don’t be fooled by thinking that more expensive means better. There are a few ladies out there charging extortionate rates in order to make themselves appear more “exclusive”. It’s just greed, pure and simple. Their focus is on instant gain, nothing else. Remember, all that shines is not gold.

I choose to expose Myself on both twitter and here on My blog. I have nothing to hide. I am not going to play games with you, nor am I going to try and con you. I show My true face for the world to see, and it has worked for Me so far. And it pains Me to see so many women putting on airs, and leadiing you all with false promises. What pains Me even more is seeing so many of you getting caught up in their games.

So just a word of warning, despite your sexual urges driving you hard, have your wits about you and do your research. All is not what it seems with a lot of Mistresses. And you really don’t want to go putting your trust into the first lady you come across, because it could cost you dearly.

Take care of yourselves boys, don’t gamble your well-being over getting your rocks off.

  • manoleat

    Thank you for these words. I bet there are many slaves/subs/masochsits who experienced only the wrong side by imbecile Mistresses or real male-haters.

    9th April 2015 at 7:06 pm
  • Miss E

    Excellent article. Completely true. I have seen too much of women with outrageous egos who seem to want to wipe men off the planet and be paid for doing so. They are the ones with a problem, and should be avoided. Thanks for writing!

    9th April 2015 at 7:24 pm
  • Josh Daniels

    Very well said, and all very true. Thank you.

    9th April 2015 at 9:31 pm
  • Peter

    Thank you, Mistress Evilyne, for writing that. I am sure that many of us who have been involved, even peripherally, in BDSM have learned to distinguish between those dommes who love what they do and respect their subs as individuals and those whose primary interest is making as much money as possible with the minimum of effort. What you have achieved at Dungeon Manor in such a short space of time is quite remarkable and I would like to congratulate you on that.

    Several years ago, I met a young domme who operated from a dungeon in Kent. She didn’t have the most impressive of websites from a technical point of view but what she said about herself impressed me a great deal. She came across as someone who, having discovered the joys of BDSM, gained great satisfaction from helping others to realise their fantasies. I will always remember our first pre-session chat. She said something which surprised me at the time. She said “I’m a nice person”. A slightly odd thing to say before kicking me in the balls but it turned out to be very true. At that time on a certain BDSM forum, some people had posted mixed reviews about her. I always spoke very positively about her because, although she may have been relatively inexperienced and perhaps not harsh enough for some, she would most certainly have been hurt by some of the negativity. As far as I’m concerned, her loveliness transcended any lack of experience she may have had and it was always an absolute joy to be in her company. I only had the chance to meet her three times. I had intended to book a fourth appointment but she wrote back to say that she was retiring. The manner of her reply was very touching. She said some lovely things about the experiences we’d shared and wished me every happiness for the future. I got the distinct impression that she had been hurt or disillusioned by someone. That is something which she didn’t deserve. I was quite tearful for a while. Of course I realised that she was a professional dominatrix and I was a client and had no silly expectations or fantasies beyond that but she was an important part of my life. I became very fond of her, always looked forward to seeing her, and miss her even today. I hope that she is well and happy in whatever she has chosen to do.

    In my opinion, being a lovely person does not exclude a propensity for heavy BDSM play. In fact, for many subs, it is probably the ideal combination. Some subs may desire the cold and distant treatment all of the time but for others a little ‘humanity’ counts for a lot.

    9th April 2015 at 9:34 pm
  • I agree kindness costs nothing! I was given My title (Cuntress) by My peers not because I’m a cunt, but because I can be in session of required 🙂
    I have worked professionally for 12 years and own one of Australia’s biggest dungeons and enjoy all My clients, but most of all I respect them

    9th April 2015 at 10:26 pm
  • Ris

    One of the very good write ups I came across. I’m sure for a lot of wronged ones out there, your words will be very comforting. Thanks for taking the time and putting it out.

    9th April 2015 at 11:05 pm
  • Love this!

    Manners cost nothing and you get ‘more with sugar than ye do with shite’ as my wee mum says.

    Could I also add the Dommes who think they are everyone else’s Domme too… Sub or Dom/me – consent is required before anyone enters into a BDSM scene and I find it hilarious when I see a Domme so far into herself she tries to ‘dom’ another Domme or their sub. Get. A. Grip. (needed that off my chebs)


    10th April 2015 at 12:24 pm
  • Wayne Porter

    Damn! The truth in black and white. Way to lay it on the line.

    10th April 2015 at 2:31 pm
  • Thank you for this excellent observation and general guidance. You have touched on so many key issues relating to our journey within the scene. I too have experienced the type of Dominant woman you caution against and quite often they get away with simply by virtue of the fact that as masochists or submissives we are aware that we are within a sizeable group of men who need the services or attention of a relatively small number of women for our sexual gratification. The gender mathematics speak for themselves.

    In the first instance our courage to challenge or be critical openly of some of these less well-behaved women is often compromised, as we mistakenly confuse the poor treatment we get as part of the dynamic – we are there to be abused in every way she wishes and we should have no choice. Where we do have the courage to challenge, we then fear damaging our ability to be accepted as genuine players worthy of attention in the scene. For those of us who do not want to be nameless punters moving from Lady to Lady, preferring to build genuine meaningful servitude where appropriate, we fear that if we “revolt” vindictive word can spread quickly and destroy our reputations both in the scene and outside. When we bare ourselves in front of a Dominatrix, our physical risk is substantially better managed and dealt with than our psychological and reputational risk.

    It is so encouraging to see articles like yours and I thank you for your immense contribution to the scene.

    11th April 2015 at 1:29 am
  • Theformercat

    This is very well written and very relevant, it’s great to see someone airing this, especially a Dominant doing so. Maybe by someone such as yourself writing this more people will sit up and take note and listen.

    Much of the content of this blog could be almost written about what happened to me, so yes you’ve hit the nail slap bang on its head here. I’ve had a hell of a time with a very irresponsible Domme, I suffered a broken bone (finger) not as a result of play or something going wrong, but because of her anger management issues, and I had my name and bank details used months after we split, exposing me and my family to a potential liability of goodness knows how much. When I tried to sort it out privately with her she accused me of harassment, so I had to go public, she wouldn’t even accept she had done wrong. And they are just 2 in a long line of examples.

    I know of 5 or 6 guys all who have suffered from the same lady in the last couple of years, and more will unless something is done to stop such. Those are just the ones I’ve heard of, goodness knows how many more there are. My point is that you are so right, subs are driven away by Dommes like this, and yet they continue to operate and do this, how can that be stopped?

    So thank you, it’s a blog that resonates totally with me and sadly rings many bells. Thank you for writing it and going some way to helping people like me realise that this happens far too often and we are not alone in this.

    11th April 2015 at 2:04 am
  • BRAVO!!!! I agree on everything you said. I felt like I was reading my own writing.

    12th April 2015 at 4:43 pm
  • Thank You for writing this articulate piece which breaks down the stereotypes. Indeed, being mean and bullying men is not a sign of an Alpha character, while being kind and compassionate is not a sign of weakness. Christine

    12th April 2015 at 4:54 pm
  • “…I worked out a long time ago that you don’t need to be mean to be dominant. In fact, you don’t need to be dominant to be dominant. You either have an alpha personality or you don’t. You either awe people or you don’t.”

    That, exactly that – and as you mentioned, I also say please and thank you when being served tea by my slaves. Anyone who grew up with household staff would know it’s standard, just basic human manners – yet how rare such simple graces are these days. Your article is much appreciated for this reason. Bad manners drive me up the wall on a daily basis.

    The wonderful thing is that there are endless ways to approach BDSM (so long as one follows the agreed-upon guidelines of SSC, RACK, or CNC – and my personal fetish for politesse!). One area we differ in is that I do not see what I do as ‘customer service industry’ in any way. I accept meetings with collaborators. We work together, with the roles predetermined and agreed upon before we meet in person. Even so, I always remain human and polite. Perhaps it is the sadist in me, refusing to fall into the role of Goddess, refusing to give what so many desperately want. I force men to worship the human woman in front of them. For me, this is key. A role-play of submission won’t do; the slave worships me, not a fantasy imagining of woman.

    I see this same understanding of D/s F/m in your Twitter feed all the time, and I cannot describe how wonderful it is to see you engaging in what you call ‘dressing-gown domination’. For me, that’s the real deal! If you can make a man swell with the desire to do your bidding, prodded only by the merest glance of your unpainted face, adorned in a comfortable dressing gown and slippers – you are The Boss. End of.

    Aside from viewing my sessions as a collaboration, rather than a service I provide – I do also differ on the issue of reviews. I specifically ask that my clients not review me. I prefer that what happens between us is utterly private. I offer absolute discretion to my clients, and ask the same in return. It’s part of the pleasure for me, the shared secrets. I do occasionally make posts about sessions if I think they will be informative to others – but always preserving the anonymity of the client, and even then it is only posted with permission. If a client wanted to make a post in his personal diary or blog, I would consider it, but never, ever on a review site. It’s my personal preference and I don’t think it makes me any less of a Domina.

    These are, however, non-essential differences in approach and philosophy. The great overarching theme that you so elegantly presented is the difference between a natural Apha, complete with clear ethics and good manners, who is secure enough in herself to be responsible, human, even nice at times – contrasted with the dysfunctional and often abusive type who masquerades as a dominant working within the safety offered by BDSM code of ethics.

    Excuse the length of my response! You obviously struck a chord and stirred plenty of thought. Thank you again for your insightful article.

    22nd April 2015 at 11:13 pm
  • Malcolm

    May the long time sun shine upon you
    all love surround you
    and the pure light within you
    guide your way on.
    Celtic Blessing: Sung by The Incredible String Band

    5th May 2015 at 6:38 am
  • stoney

    Wisely put … 🙂

    6th May 2015 at 2:35 pm
  • Beejay3011

    Fabulous blog…1000% agree with what you’ve said. sound lovely as well …I’m one of the lucky ones ..I have found my Mistress. .and we both treat each other with the necessary respect …As I say, great blog ..x

    31st January 2016 at 9:07 am
  • Littledick

    Very good Mistress Evilyne.

    I have had a horrific experience with a Dominatrix in London. Was Covent Garden

    She looks nothing like her images and charges £250 an hour. I had no aftercare and it was all about the money. No clue about BDSM

    Terrible experience and I have heard the same from many.

    I hope to visit you soon

    4th December 2016 at 12:17 pm
  • John

    Thank you for your moving article! It really went straight to the heart. Some hints about which Doms not to meet were very useful as I am very keen on meeting my first ever professional Dominatrix. And even if one of them I am thinking about has some warning signs off your list it would be useful to have a review site. Do you know one?

    18th December 2016 at 9:00 pm
  • Lady Bee AT

    I agree thoroughly mistress Evilyne, that it is possible to be an alpha female and still have humane characteristics. I personally feel shocked to see the caption that goes with some pictures shared by some domina’s on twitter used to describe subs. Being a charming person is a mixture of commanding respect but at the same time also knowing how to treat people in a nice way.
    This post is a very good read for anyone that expects all domme’s to be barking mad with no personality.

    27th January 2017 at 12:47 pm
  • A very relevant and needed article dear Mistress. I love your incisive, spirited tone and your sense of humour. X

    2nd February 2018 at 11:59 am
  • art_fet

    In the decade or more that ive been painting portraits ive interacted with dozens and dozens of Dommes all over the world and you are absolutely right there are some utter cunts out there but by and large ive found that the vast majority of Mistresses to be amongst the most polite, empathetic and just generally nice people that i’ve had the pleasure to work with. With a bit of research the bad ones are pretty easy to spot.

    If anyone reading this is planning on taking the plunge (see a pro-Domme) then Mistress Evilyne is absolutely right. Let your watchword be research. Research Research Research!!

    15th April 2018 at 6:02 pm

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