As many of you may know, I was a pastry chef in a previous life. I worked long hours, was on My feet every hour of every day, constantly under pressure, and always stressed. I did this for 10 years. I used to always be exhausted. My days off were spent catching up on the hours of sleep missed during My work week. I was a zombie most of the time and had a wonderful tendency to fall asleep on public transport only to wake up at the last stop on the line, having been on the last train.
My new life is indeed like being on one long holiday. Even on days when I spend 12 hours in front of My computer editing videos, responding to emails, writing blog posts, sorting out My calendar etc., I still think to Myself “Well at least I’m not on My 17th 16 hour day, without sitting down once in the day or eating, in a row” or “At least I get to see the sunlight”. I have no problem with hard work. When I put My head down, I plough through and get everything done without complaining. But you’ll never guess what really surprised Me when I first started all of this… a single hour session can exhaust Me as much as a Saturday in a busy brasserie.
I find it quite startling that spending an hour or two doing something which surely should not be that emotionally, physically or intellectually taxing can leave Me wanting nothing more than a cup of hot coffee and a blanket, and I have tried on many occasions to work out what exactly happens to make Me feel not necessarily drained, but certainly exhausted after playing. And interestingly enough, I have also noticed that I have a lot more energy after Double Domme sessions. This has led Me to an interesting conclusion. The following may sound quixotic, but I can find no other explanation for what happens to Me every time I play.
In playing with someone, whether it be verbal humiliation, hardcore corporal punishment, anal, anything… I get into a strange zone. I gently slip in to this alternate reality where I can let My core out into the open and be the person that I feel most at home being. This person is larger than life, and provides an anchor for the slave to clutch on to during their dive into murky depths. I must be vigilant, but also I must feed the slave with My energy in order to help them achieve a state of complete submission and non-being. I give a part of Myself to everyone who walks through the door to My playroom. When in a scene, I am holding us both up. In order to give the slave the opportunity of absolute release and abandon, I need to provide My own energy as a crutch that they can rest on. I give the slave My water of life, which is in limited quantity in the first place.
I get lost in the scene, and I feel invincible, but when it ends, when the slave leaves the room to shower and make himself decent again, I gently come back down to earth, and I realise that I am exhausted; happy, but exhausted.
I love sharing My energy with people. I love giving a part of Myself in order to help someone achieve greater heights. It is worth it in order to see a look of absolute bliss or loss of self on a man’s face. And it is worth it for the cosy warm feeling that makes Me want to curl up and go for a happy nap afterwards.
Exhausting, but oh so worth it.