Being there, Letting go…
London Dominatrix Mistress Evilyne gives advice for submissives who have trouble getting into BDSM and relaxing into a scene.
I love what I do. I relish seeing my subs and slaves float away on a cloud of pure bliss. I adore watching them totally let go of their former selves and lose themselves in their new alter ego. I delight in experiencing the total surrender of their bodies to my will. The connection that comes from it, the shared experience is just pure magic. However, from time to time someone walks through my door who proves to be a little more of a challenge.
For whatever reason, some people simply can’t relax. I feel the tenseness in their flesh. They try to micromanage me, or they panic easily. They ask a litany of questions or can never get quite comfortable enough. They react with a start to the touch of my fingers or try to converse about their outside life. However it manifests itself, the root causes of this seem to be either overthinking or an inability to trust.
For someone whose mind is always busy, or someone who is used to always being in control, visiting a Mistress can be both an alluring fantasy and a daunting logistical nightmare. The idea of surrendering yourself to a beautiful woman, who will do with you what she will, can be an intoxicating idea. When you see videos online of slaves being rendered helpless at a woman’s mercy, it speaks to something deep within you. That’s the core of your being craving stillness.
The Mistress can provide you with the environment in which to find your stillness, and she can do all the things that will help you to find that place of placidity and quiet, however you know what they say: you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.
The only person who is going to find that stillness inside of you is you. Unfortunately, not all of us have been given tools to access that special place within ourselves. As much as some submissives can jump in and out of that warm cosy cocoon as easily as they pop on a pair of socks, others have a psyche that is so preoccupied with other things, even addicted to being constantly on full blast, or so afraid of the unknown that is having a lack of control, that it never even allows them to so much as peek through the door into that quiet little oasis of peace.
Life has a way of getting ahold of us, of wrapping us up so tightly within ourselves that we end up all knotted up within our own minds, desperate for some kind of release but unable to achieve it. We grasp at strings, desperately trying to find something that will take us out of ourselves, if only for a while… to offer us respite from the tedium and tension that comes from being a responsible adult; but we can’t switch off, try as we might. Everything is right, the mood is set and all is in place yet we just can’t take the jump into the abyss.
It happens to me often to encounter someone in my playspace within whom I can see this inner turmoil taking place. They can’t get comfortable, want everything slightly differently, panic easily, lose their mojo half way through… Whatever it might be, they are stopping themselves from letting go. They are holding back.Yet they want so badly to float away. They just don’t know how to achieve it.
It’s so painful to see someone so desperately needing this respite, yearning for it, reaching for it, yet just falling short again and again. As much as I try my best to create a safe space that is free of judgement, sometimes it isn’t enough. Sometimes, they are so wrapped up in their own failure to relax, to experience and let go, that they get caught up in shame and leave as swiftly as they can, fostering a deep sense of failure. Sadly, I can’t do anything for these people. They are still battling with themselves and are not yet far enough down the road of self knowledge to have the humility and the vulnerability to open themselves up to someone else.
Luckily, for every person who is closed off in that way there are two who are open and were just waiting for someone to explain to them some simple things which seem so obvious once you know them but which, just like a brain teaser, seem completely impossible or unobtainable until someone comes along with that oh so simple truth.
For all those of you who won’t ever come to see me but who have connected on a deep level with what I have just written about, I will now let you in on a few secrets which will hopefully change not only your relationship with kink, but also with the relationship which you have with your sexuality in general and even with your body and your life. Once again, something that is advice on kink will be applicable on a much broader scale to the rest of your being. So settle down, get rid of all distractions, and try to not just interpret what I am about to say intellectually. Try to connect with it on an emotional level. I am not in the room with you, nobody is with you right now. You can let yourself be emotionally vulnerable. Nobody will see it. <3
At the risk of sounding awfully hippie-dippy, the first step that I thoroughly recommend to you if you are really struggling to let go in kink is to either buy yourself a book or download an app dedicated to mindfulness. You can also take mindfulness classes. It may sound like a pretty naff practice, but it’s actually pretty amazing. I am not an expert, so if you know more about it than I do, please do not be offended by my layman’s description. Basically, mindfulness is a practice that will help you learn to quieten your thinking. It’s great if you suffer from an overactive mind, anxiety, worry, or simply have trouble being in the moment. Are you busy thinking about your to do list or your kids’ school diary when you are supposed to be relaxing into being butt fucked? Mindfulness. Do you find yourself pondering on what you need to do at work tomorrow when you’re being trussed up in rope? Mindfulness. Do you sometimes lose your erection because you suddenly found yourself worrying about your taxes? Mindfulness.
Practicing mindfulness will gently teach you how to switch off your ego and become a feeling, experiencing being. Through simple tasks such as spending five to ten minutes using your entire consciousness to pay attention to your breathing and its effect on your body, or paying attention to the sensations that arise as you slowly drink a glass of water, sip by sip, or eat an apple, you will learn to direct your thoughts towards experiencing, towards being in the moment. You will learn to avoid distractions.
Most of us are very bad at being in the present moment. When someone talks to us, we start thinking about something else. We are constantly distracted by our phones, TV’s, computers… So teaching ourselves to refocus our consciousness on the present can be a challenging task for sure, but it will also be an incredibly rewarding one which can allow us to find relaxation and avoid anxiety, leading to better sleep, increased intimacy with those around us, and better sexual and kinky experiences as we learn to shut off those nagging voices that distract us so so easily from the moment at hand.
Be patient with yourself as you take on the practice of mindfulness. It takes a while to learn. Be kind to yourself and try to enjoy the process rather than seeing it as a task. You’ll get there eventually.
Now the second thing that can really help you achieve total relaxation within submission and will lead you to experiencing very special states such as the oh so talked about “sub-space” is something that you can’t work on alone: you need to learn to trust, and for that you need someone else there with you. Now nobody else can do this for you, so you’re going to have to bite the bullet on this one. The first step is by far going to be the scariest, especially if you are a total control freak. But once you have taken that step, you will find it easier and easier every time to go deeper and deeper into trusting other people.
Through our experiences with the world and others, we can become very guarded in adulthood. Through being taken advantage of over and over, we learn to put up defences, to refuse to show vulnerability, to not allow others access to us. But this prevents us from creating connections as we erect a strong wall around ourselves, refusing to let others in.
So how to change this? How to tear down the wall? Well, little by little. To start off with, find a friend you feel comfortable with. Someone you have known for a long time and who has never given you a reason to mistrust them. Or a pro-domme who you have been seeing for a long time. Explain to them that you have this issue with vulnerability that you need to work on, and together, come up with some activities that might help you with this. Everyone is different, as everyone has different triggers. For example, my absolute fear is being tickled. I hate being tickled more than anything in the world. So the idea of being tied down and at someone’s mercy where they might tickle me is my worst nightmare.
With this in mind, a great trust exercise for me personally would be for me to lie down, then let my friend put their hands on my body and stroke me with the promise that they won’t tickle me. My goal would be to fight my impulse to lift my hands and push them away. Of course, they might accidentally tickle me, but it would be up to me to tell the,m that this has happened, and to understand that this was an accident rather than fall into mistrust and self protection mode.
I could set a timer for say 5 minutes, and keep doing this from time to time: slowly increasing the time until I am totally comfortable with their touch. Then I could try the same exercise with another person whom I trust a little less. I could then move on to doing the same thing while tied down, so as to have my agency removed.
The end goal, is to allow myself to get to such a point of comfort that I stop resisting, second guessing the other’s motives, worrying, and panicking. The motive is to learn to let go.
So with these two aspects of your life changed, both the art of being present in the moment and the act of trusting, you will find yourself able to relax into true submission, to become a trusting, sensing being, to float away on a cloud of pure bliss and to finally find that special place of peace and quiet.
So please, if you do struggle with these things, don’t despair, just put that little bit of effort into exercising these two aspects of your life. Only you have the power to make changes within yourself. So give yourself the love you deserve.