How to be a Happy Mistress
In all fairness, it’s a pretty easy life being a Dominatrix. short hours, fun job, you get to dress up and play with whips… So why is it that when you start to get involved in the scene and look around yourself, you realise that so many Dommes are just plain miserable? Not being psychic, I can’t speak for them. I can, however, look at My own experience and share the pitfalls that I have avoided, some quite narrowly.
As much as this is easy work in many ways, one thing that is quite scary about being a Mistress is how emotionally draining it can be. Whether it be clients, public opinion, or even other ladies dragging you down, there always seems to be something out there trying to burst your bubble. So how do you avoid that? Easy peasy: don’t have a bubble in the first place, then there’s nothing to burst. I know that sounds like complete nonsense, but it’s a good image to keep in mind. What I mean when I write that is that if you stay grounded and balanced, not sheltering yourself in an alternate reality, things just won’t affect you as much and you will be a much happier person. As a result you will lead a much better life and run a much better business.
Through observation of others and Myself, I have come up with a short list of useful things to keep in mind that will help you stay or become a happy Mistress, no matter what happens to you.
Don’t rely on your slaves for happiness. It sucks to say it, but nobody else can make yourself happy.. If you are not content within your own life, I can guarantee you that a slave will not help. In fact, they will probably make things worse. Now, instead of just dealing with your own problems, you will be expected to take on all the problems of another person (don’t kid yourself either. This is always the end game of servitude). Sometimes, it might be tempting to take on the problems of another because it makes you feel like you are doing some good in the world. Surely, it’s the right thing to do, helping poor little broken slave x get back on his feet, building him up to be a better man… WRONG! All you will be doing is putting all your healing energy into another person rather than into yourself. It’s a trap that many of us fall into and a great way to ignore our own problems by busying ourselves with those of another. The problem is that at some point, that person will turn around and be ungrateful/manipulative/abusive/needier towards you. and it will keep snowballing until you are utterly drained and broken yourself. So don’t do it. If they have problems, let them sort them out themselves.
Another quick tip: handbags and shoes don’t bring happiness. And neither does money. It helps, but it can’t actually make you happy. So it’s a good idea not to make the accumulation of expensive things a priority. Because remember, when you’re on your deathbed, you can have as many pairs of Louboutins as you want… they won’t make a bloody difference.
Don’t compare yourself to others. Just as I was saying in the previous paragraph about not wasting your energy on others, I say it again here. Life is about diversity. We are all in this world together, but we are also all living separate and unique experiences. Concentrate on your own experience. Don’t spend your time looking at how other Dommes do things, what they wear, how they act, or how much they earn. It really doesn’t matter. It’s a complete waste of energy to do so. Also, we are brought up in a society that encourages us to envy our peers from a very young age. It is so easy to look at what others have that we haven’t, and think that they must be so much happier than us because of these things. But remember, just as you might not choose to publicise the problems in your life, so might they. We all show people a front, keeping certain things private. That Lady you envy so much might be playing the “look at me” game because she too is so desperate to achieve whatever status she thinks is necessary. So let her. And rather than looking at what others have and you haven’t, start showing gratitude for the things that you do have in your life. And when I say things, I don’t mean objects. I mean friends, health, support etc. Those are the things that really matter in the end.
Conversely, whatever you think you are doing right, don’t look at others and presume they are doing it wrong. Let everyone have their own path in life. See something you don’t like? Just stay away from it. There is absolutely no need to waste energy on hating. You just concentrate on building up your own house.
Don’t take things personally. So this is a big one in our business. The number of times I have seen fellow Dommes scream down the phone at people, or lash out after receiving criticism online…. to be honest, I have had My fair share of that too. Moments of red hot fury directed in an email, a phone call or a tweet. And it’s not pretty. Firstly, remember you are running a business. So when you get rude, it looks something like what recently happened when a cafe owner in Huddersfield had an epic meltdown on facebook, completely alienating all their customers as well as potential ones.
Secondly, remember you are running a business. Mistress/Lady/Goddess so and so is your creation, a character. It’s not you. So don’t take personally negative comments that are aimed at her. Likewise, if someone fails to show up for a booking, seems to be a time waster, sends you rude emails. Just move on. Don’t get wrapped up in it. Every business deals with these kind of customers. We are not alone in this. There is absolutely no need to fly into a rage when someone is being an idiot. Just delete the offending message, or politely let them know that you are not interested in dealing with them, and block them before moving on. Easy. After all, why cause yourself upset when you can just as easily walk away?
Keep one foot firmly in the vanilla world I can’t repeat this enough. Femdom is a world of extremes. Extremes are not healthy. Keep yourself grounded by hanging around normal people. Don’t get offended if they call you out on stuff either. Listen and take any comments they make on board. Generally, when friends tell us things, it’s because they mean well. So don’t get defensive if your vanilla friends give you feedback.
Don’t session with people you hate There is no amount of money on this earth which is worth putting yourself through hell for. If you don’t like a customer, stop seeing them. Sessioning with people you don’t like will wear you down and make you bitter about your work. Just don’t do it.
Don’t expect anything from other people One of the most toxic elements that I have seen again and again creep into My life as a Mistress and cause chaos is expectation. My expectations of others being shattered, and others’ expectations of Me being shattered. Each and every time, it has led to inordinate amounts of drama, bile, and cataclysmic fall outs. It took Me a while to realise what was actually happening. But now, I live by a very simple rule. I never expect anything from anybody, and I certainly don’t give anyone any reason to expect anything from Me. The thing about expectations is that they are rarely voiced. We tend to make up an image in our mind of another person and the role we want them to have in our life, but we never communicate that with them. We build them up and up, and of course they fall short of this larger than life image. And then we feel let down, used, hurt, by someone who had no idea in the first place that they were being put under so much pressure. Personal slaves are notorious for this, but Mistresses do it just as much. You might say that the solution is to communicate your expectations with people. That is definitely a step forwards, but again, most of us are not good communicators and the rest are not good listeners. Also, having expectations in the first place puts the other person under large amounts of pressure, which can also cause tension. So really, when you have a new slave, or meet a new Mistress who you really like, just don’t expect anything of them. Wait and see what they provide you with. Be happy with whatever they offer you. You have no right to expect anything of anyone. Always remember, nobody owes you anything, and anything they do give you is a gift.
Don’t work towards a goal Another downfall of our western education is that we are constantly taught about goal setting. Aim high, they say. Achieve your goals to find happiness! Well how about this for a novel way of thinking? Rather than look into the future for happiness, rather than set yourself goals that you might or might not achieve (and that if you don’t achieve, you will see as a failure), how about you live in the present? Forget goals. Life has a sneaky habit of getting in the way of set out trajectories. The thing is, you only get to live now. So rather than giving yourself distant goals, enjoy what you are doing in the present moment. Start a project and bask in every moment of its creation. Pleasure is to be found in the appreciation of the present. And the happier you are, the more successful you will become because you will end up making the right choices in life for the right reasons. So concentrate on enjoying today. Ride that wave and just see where it takes you. Life is an adventure.
Give yourself days off We all need structure in our lives. As much as we can get the impression that we will miss out on business if we are not available seven days a week, the reality is that the average client is more than happy to book a session within a predefined availability calendar. So choose a few days a week that you want off, and stick to them no matter what.
Be aware of the divide between business and friendship There’s something very informal about the Kink scene. Everybody hugs to say hello, people get naked together, all sorts of boundaries are blurred on a daily basis. This can make it quite hard to define what sort of relationship you have with different people. It’s very easy to fall into the trap of thinking that everyone is your friend, but you have to remember that they are not. This doesn’t mean that everyone is your enemy, but what it does mean is that every other kink professional that you collaborate with is collaborating with you to make a living. So don’t go telling them your personal life, calling them at all hours of the night etc. And especially, don’t go and tell others that they are your friend in order to get forward in the kink world (tip: friends don’t use friends like that). Friendships take a long time and a lot of effort to build. Just because someone is nice to you, it does not mean that they are your friend. So keep things professional until you know someone really well.
Set money aside Savings are everything. You never know what will happen to you. You might get ill, have to move suddenly, or any other very expensive catastrophe. Always make sure you put aside as much money as you can. As a rule of thumb now, whenever I have more than £1000 in My current account, I instantly transfer a big chunk of it to My savings account. Having less in My savings account also means that I spend less. So it’s a win/win situation. And I know I am ready for whatever may come My way. Having savings means a lot less stress in life.