Femdom Advice from a Professional Dominatrix

50 things they never told you about being a dominatrix

The truth about being a dominatrix is that it isn’t easy. You will have to learn many skills and avoid many pitfalls.

Today I am doing a special post. Coming close to 4 years of experience being a Dominatrix professionally, I feel that I have enough experience now to give back and offer advice to all the new girls out there. So whether you have recently started offering domination services, or you are thinking about getting into being a professional Dominatrix, this post is for you. There have been many highs and lows to My career so far with many more to come. I hope that this article will help all you new girls out there navigate the tempestuous seas ahead.

Please note that this post is entirely based on My own experience, and that others’ experiences may differ greatly from My own. So if you are an experience Mistress and you disagree with what you read below, [please remember that everybody is entitled to their own opinions.

I’m going to offer you a list of 50 items and points that will hopefully be useful to you, 50 things they never told you about being a dominatrix

Set yourself up as a legitimate business!
Being a Dominatrix is a job. You are earning money, and you need to pay tax on that money. I can’t recommend enough getting an accountant, and preferably one who has experience of the sex industry. If you are UK based, I can’t recommend FetishTax enough! Want to know why it’s so important to be legit and pay your taxes? Well for one, it’s nice to contribute to National Insurance. If you use the NHS or other national services, it’s only fair that you contribute from your wages towards those services. Also good to remember is that if a disgruntled client or competing Mistress has it in for you, their most likely form of attack will be reporting you to HMRC. So stay safe and play by the book! I am personally all too aware of the dangers of tax fraud. When I was young, the French tax police went after My father because they thought he was selling nuclear weapons on the black market. Even though My mother did perfect book keeping for him, My parents still had to endure nearly 10 years of investigation, and would have been fine millions if they had not been able to disprove every single claim made against them. I know this is an extreme case, but this stuff does happen! So be safe.

All those who smile are not your friends
When you first walk on to the scene, it can be quite overwhelming to see how friendly everyone is. Everyone you meet wants to work with you, collaborate, or help you. Or that’s what it seems. Remember, the fetish scene is not regulated and tends to attract misfits. As such, it also attracts predators. People who offer you the moon will most likely have an end game and are counting on your lack of experience to allow them to use and abuse you, so keep your guard up. If need be, do your research. Don’t be scared to internet stalk someone. Do they seem to gravitate towards newbies? That’s already a sign that they are a predator. If they like to name drop, maybe contact the people they talk about and ask them for feedback about this person. Don’t let yourself get caught up in the whirlwind of attention you will get when you first walk onto the scene. Keep your wits about you and rely first and foremost on yourself.

Get a website!
This one seems obvious, but it isn’t to everyone. Although there are plenty of services such as adultwork which offer you a free profile on their site, nothing will make you stand out as legitimate like a website will. Your website is your shop front and you are the product. So don’t scrimp and save on this. Spend every penny you can afford on fabulous photos and a gorgeous website. Work with a web designer who can help you climb up google rankings and who understands the needs of the sex industry. Ideally, find a female webmaster (more on that later). I highly recommend the Fetish Web Mistress. She has designed many sites for well established Mistresses and is also an amazing photographer. The best part? She is super nice and really affordable, and her photos are AMAZING!

Don’t be a Jack of all trades
It’s a tough market out there! The best way to stand out is to work out what you really love doing and become known as the one to go to for this service. Over the last 4 years, I have gained an international reputation as a scat queen, public humiliatrix, and ballbusting Mistress. I also offer a pretty unique session called the Edge of Orgasm game, and I get as many requests just for that as I do for all My other services combined. So don’t be scared to stand out. Other Ladies I know have specialised in things such as rubber fetish, chastity, adult baby play… Find your thing and go with it. Blog about it, film clips, do photos, push it as much as you can and become known as the top lady in the industry for a few particular things.

 Have a finger in every pie
It can be hard being self employed. Sometimes business booms, and then suddenly for no apparent reason, session requests dry up. If you really want to be successful in this business, branch out! Get as many sources of income as you can. The more separate sources of income you have, the less it matters if one of those dries up temporarily. So start clip stores, run an event, do webcamming, be creative! Come up with different ways to entice your fans to tribute you, and you’ll end up having a nice regular income. It isn’t easy work juggling so many different sources of income, and I am still finding My balance (I haven’t uploaded a clip to clips4sale in well over a month! Oops!) but eventually, you will find your balance.

Treat your work like a job
Being your own boss is great! You can work hard when you have the energy, and take days off when you want! The only problem is that you end up having a lack of structure in your life and this can lead to laziness. My advice to you (and I am still working on this Myself) is to start imagining you have a boss who will fire you if you don’t go to work. Also, pick which days of the week you want to work and which days you want off and stick to them! This will give you well needed structure and allow you to organise your work flow and also have an actual real life outside of work.

Don’t get sucked into the Femdom Vortex!
When I first began domming professionally, I noticed this trend for Mistresses to push the fact that they were lifestyle as well as pro, as if it was some sort of cachet that separated the diamonds from the rubble. I wanted in! A life surrounded by slaves who bend to My every whim and do everything for Me? Yes please!!! The reality of it is not quite that glamorous though. There is a huge risk to going full lifestyle: you lose touch with reality and get lost in your alter ego. Remember that you have a real name on your passport, and that is who you are. Don’t forget that. Keep vanilla friends, stay in touch with the outer world, and don’t lose yourself in the one dimensional character that you have created for yourself. I live in a large house and I rent out the rooms to vanillas. This keeps Me in check, and helps Me remember that not everyone wants to chat about fisting and sticking needles through ballsacks. Another thing to keep in mind about going full lifestyle is that it’s an exchange. Men come to us because they want sexual gratification. Nobody is just going to do you housework, ironing and laundry just because. They will want a relationship, sexy kinky time, and probably for you to become their mother figure too. On top of that, they’ll generally be shit at housework anyway, and allowing these men into your home is also allowing them close to your personal information. This gives them access to everything they need to know all about you, which can be dangerous if ever they get vexed or upset and become vindictive.

Show your face
As tempting as it is to stay anonymous, if you are serious about wanting to go into this business and being a Dominatrix and earning a living from it, you are most likely going to have to show your face to survive! There are a few Ladies out there who thrive on being masked as part of their identity (My friend Mistress Gaia of Rome springs to mind), the Ladies who succeed being masked are few and far in between. Your potential clients want to see your face. They want to be able to read the expresion in your eyes, and to see you as a real person. By hiding your identity, you are pushing away a huge quantity of potential clients.

Don’t fool yourself, this job IS sex work
Let’s break down the basics of being a professional dominatrix. Men come to see you because they want sexy time, but they want it more creative and domineering than if they went to see an escort. Basically, that’s it. So in order to be successful, sexy time you must give them. This brings Me back to point 4. Choose to specialise in the things that turn you on and get you off. The more genuinely you are enjoying yourself, the more likely your clients are to return. Every time I get so turned on in a session that I have to have a wank while My client is all tied up and helpless, that same client rebooks within 2 weeks. Why? Because he saw that I was genuinely getting off on our time together, and that turns him on even more. Don’t be scared of being tactile and seductive with your clients. This doesn’t stop you from being dominant. The more you connect with your job sexually, the more suxessful you will become. I have no shame in saying that although I don’t have sex with My clients, or take requests for “intimate worship” and the like in sessions, if I am in session with someone who I find attractive, and I get all hot and flustered, I will break out My vibrator, or a dildo gag, or even sit on their face and order them to make Me cum. And that is where the real power lies. I refuse to offer these things as a “booked service”, but when I feel in the mood, I take the bull by the horns and do what I bloody well want to get My own sexual gratification. Boom! Femdom!

Be honest with your friends and family
In the days of the internet, there is no such thing as anonymity. Think your dad won’t find out what you do? For all you know, he might really be into kink and he might just stumble on your website. And masked or not, he will recognise his daughter when he sees her. The best policy in our line of work is to be 100% open with your friends and family about what you do for a living. They may not like it, but if they love you, they will learn to accept it and even maybe put in the effort of trying to understand it. My big sister was horrified when I told her, and was very worried about the impact this job might have on My well being. Now, she phones Me up asking if I can get a group of slaves together whenever she needs anything doing. Another good reason to be open is that if everyone in your life knows what you do, you have nothing to hide. Remember earlier when I was talking about disgruntled subs and vexed Dommes? Well outing you in the press is a great way to ruin your life. But if your entire social circle already knows what you do for a living, that’s their power taken away. My neighbours at My old place tried that trick on Me. Luckily, every single person I know is aware of what I do, and that hugely minimised the impact My “press outing” had on My life.

Blog like your life depends on it!
Blog about your latest news and offers, blog about your travels, blog about your sessions, blog about your interests or fantasies… Just blog as much as you can. Every time you have an idea, sit down in front of the computer and turn it into a blog. Your fans and potential clients will love reading your thoughts, and it will give them a better understanding of how your mind works. This will work to your advantage in showing that you are genuine, and also in advertising your services. Another bonus is that it conveys your intelligence in a way that photos and clips can’t. On top of this, blogging is great for SEO ratings, and can help your website rank high on google. If you are dyslexic, or not very good at writing, just be honest about it and be genuine. Do what you are capable of and stay true to yourself. It’s not about being the next Jane Austen, it’s about giving people a little glimpse into your mind.

Be self confident
When you start out, it can be quite intimidating seeing all these beautiful successful women on social media. It’s easy to start idolising them and wanting to be them. But you know how they got to be where they are? Through being genuine and not being afraid to assert themselves as who they really are. At the beginning, don’t interact too much with them on social media. You may come across as needy. Be proud and self confident, and let them come to you. When they do, treat them as peers. We are all in the same business, and nobody is better than anyone else. Always remember that. Remember it at the beginning when you feel humbled by well established Dommes, and remember it later on when you have built an empire and you see new girls coming onto the scene. You can only be a fetish Queen in the world of fetish. To the rest of the world, you will always be a nobody. So don’t let yourself be intimidated by other ladies, but don’t be rude to them either. Treat them with the respect your peers deserve. Be supportive without being overbearing, and the same will be done to you.

Avoid male run businesses
This is more of a personal taste than anything, but I personally find it a bit fishy when a Femdom business is run by a man, and I try to stay clear of male led businesses. Whether it be clip sites, Mistress directories (more on those later), webmasters, or any of those. A man who runs a Femdom business will run it because he gets his kicks out of it one way or another. My only exception to this is My accountant, because he is AWESOME and also isn’t exclusively Femdom, just kink. But you must always remember that any man trying to make money out of Femdom will have an agenda. And that agenda might well involve using his clients for his own gratification, whatever it may be. Another thing is that men in the Femdom business tend to be super tetchy and highly strung for some reason, so basically, they can be quite difficult to have a healthy working relationship with. Which brings Me to My next point…

Don’t let your slaves anywhere near your business!
So you have this awesome personal slave, and he is reliable, hard working, fun, and you just adore him. It turns out he also has loads of skills that could be really useful for helping you with your business. If he’s good at stuff like photography, film editing, carpentry… sure! By all means, let him loose on your business and reap the rewards of having a great hard working slave helping you out. If his skills are in tech, and he want to help you build your website, or he wants to help you do your emails etc, do not give in to temptation! As much as you might feel that what you have will last for ever, it most likely won’t. And more often than not, when D/s relationships come to an end, they do so in a spectacularly catastrophic fashion! Giving your slave access to your personal passwords, or to something at the core of your business could prove disastrous if ever he were to turn on you. So please, for the love of god, be safe and don’t trust the integral parts of your business which earns you your living to a sub!

Start seeing a therapist
This point might be quite controversial, but I’m saying fuck it, and putting it in here anyway. Because I was suddenly earning more than I ever had before and I had spare cash, when I’d being domming for a few months I decided to start going to see a psychoanalyst. I have now been doing therapy for three and a half years, and not only has it done Me a huge amount of good on a personal level, it has also really helped Me in My work. BDSM is by nature a very psychological thing. There is always a reason why people are into whatever kink they are into, and as a Domme, you will also attract a lot of pretty broken men to your dungeon who are looking for abuse, or a mother, or simply love in the wrong place. It can be really tricky and overwhelming to navigate this psychological minefield, and visiting a professional once a week who can help you make sense of it all is incredibly helpful! I really can’t recommend it enough. So ignore the stigma around psychotherapy, and put those hard earned coins towards helping you become a better Mistress and also a happier more balanced person. You’ll thank Me later.

Mistress Directories are outdated and useless
A long long time ago, at the beginning of the internetz when yahoo was just starting up and was completely shit, and google was only an idea in someone’s head, the Mistress directories reigned supreme. They were a sure place to easily find all the Mistresses in your local area classified by location, interests etc. Oh how times have changed. Now Google is the god of the internet, and all must bow down to it. If you are looking for something, you just google it. Easy as. Getting yourself high up in google rankings is completely free and only requires minimal work, so why bother spending hundreds or even thousands on having a shitty little profile page on some site, when you can make it to the first page of google for free? The world is changing. Directories are the phonebook of the Mistress world, fast becoming obsolete. So save your pennies for an amazing website.

Customer service is important!
It’s really tempting to fall into Mistress mode when you receive an email or a phone call, but don’t! Remember, people are allowed to shop around, ask questions, and be curious about your services. As much as it sucks having to answer lots of emails, texts and phone calls, there will be a 90-10 ration on your time spent responding to enquiries vs sessioning. That’s just the rules of the game. It’s the same in any other industry. So remember to always be polite, charming and enticing. It’s up to you to lure these potential customers in. Being rude and brusque will not get you anywhere and will most likely make them run for the hills.

Invest in your business!
At the beginning of your career, I recommend investing every spare penny right back into your business. Buy equipment, buy outfits, build your arsenal of tools of the trade. Not only will your tax bill thank you, but so will your customers. Being well equipped makes a Mistress stand out of the crowd. It means you are serious about what you do and willing to invest in your love of domination, thus making you more attractive to potential clients.

Treat your regulars well
Some guys will only come and see you once in a while. Others will be back again and again. Your regulars are the clients that keep you going. You can count on them to keep you topped up with a steady income, and domination services not being cheap, that means they are putting a substantial amount of their own earnings into visiting you. So spoil them to make them even more likely to come back. When My regulars come to see Me, I don’t clock watch, and I let the session run its natural course. I will also put more effort into staying in contact with them, and do stuff with them outside of work, such as day trips to other towns, going to the theatre, or restaurants… Not only will they love spoiling you, but it also reinforces your bond, making sessions all the more enjoyable as you get to know each other on a deeper level than in a simply kink-centric relationship. These clients are also quite likely to turn into personal slaves eventually, as they understand the transactional nature of the business, and are reliable and supportive.

Avoid pushing the hardcore kink too much
As tempting as it can be to push all the super hardcore stuff you do, I don’t necessarily recommend it. I am definitely speaking from experience here! If you get known for being a super hardcore Domme, not only will that scare off softer players (who tend to be the ones willing to visit more often) but it will also attract all the loonies. As much as there are some super well balanced guys out there who are into really serious play, there are also a majority of pretty unhinged ones. The more you advertise the scary stuff, the more you will attract these loonies. What you really want in order to establish yourself is a client base of well adjusted guys with well paid jobs who are into a bit of kinky fun on the side and don’t take it too seriously. I’m not saying not to do edge play etc, just don’t push it as your major thing.

Don’t mix friendship and work
This is an age old adage which applies to every type of business there is. And please do remember it. It’s so tempting to have a partner in crime, someone who will take half the workload, and be there with you through thick and thin. Sadly though, this rarely works out. Someone who will be a great friend will probably make a terrible business partner. It will turn out that you have completely different approaches to work, different goals etc… On top of it, if ever your friendship does end, breaking up the business will be super messy. It’s best to do this on your own, and make good friends within the community who will understand you and support you emotionally without getting involved in your work. On the flip side, remember when working with people (when doing double sessions, or filming with other Mistresses) that these people are your colleagues, not your friends. Don’t go looking for friends in the wrong places. It will come back to bite you!

There’s no one way to do things
I recently wrote a blog post all about this. You can read it here. But to summarise, do things however feels right for you, fuck convention. Also, don’t judge others for doing things differently from how you do it.

Set up your own playspace
One of the biggest factors in becoming an established Mistress is having your own playspace. As soon as you start earning money, start setting some aside for a deposit. There are so many advantages to having your own playspace. Firstly, you don’t have to shop around and book it every time you get a session booking. Secondly, you can keep all your equipment exactly how you like it and don’t have to cart around a suitcase. Thirdly, you can decorate it how you want and truly make a place that reflects you as a Mistress. There are too many advantages to list, so I won’t. But ask any Mistress who owns her own space and she will tell you how much better it is. Things to remember when getting a playspace are these: if possible, get somewhere separate from your home. That way, if ever you get found out, you only have to move your work, and not your whole life. go for a busy street, that way comings and goings won’t be a noticeable problem. When hunting around for the ideal space, keep in mind who your neighbours are and if noise is likely to be a problem, either from your end, or theirs. Get somewhere with a good bathroom! Carpets are a huge no-no! If you are going for an apartment (recommended as the front door will already have more footfall), think carefully about the walk from the building front door to your front door. Is it long? Is your client likely to cross other people or end up knocking on the wrong door?  Find out as much as you can about the landlord and his or her level of involvement in the property. You don’t need somewhere large, some Dommes have tiny playspaces and are super busy in them! And if you are planning on renting it out, please be really careful! Other people will never be as discreet as you are and are likely to blow your cover.

Get tested!
Please for the love of god, get regular STD tests. Get all the vaccinations you can. We play with sperm, blood, piss and some of us shit. We owe it to our customers to be safe.

Be clean!
Change outfit between sessions, offer clean towels, get the strongest cleaning products you can! I thoroughly recommend Clinell wipes for surfaces and basic equipement (they kill EVERYTHING and are used in hospitals) and for sterilising dildos, metal equipment etc, I recommend Barbicide, which is used by barbers for sterilising their razor blades. ALWAYS use condoms on your dildos, and then sterilise them afterwards, and ALWAYS wear gloves when handling a penis. It may look healthy, but there are many bugs that lurk in the shaddows. All you need is to touch their dick then thoughtlessly brush a hair away from your face, and BOOM! Herpes!

Be Ethical
Again, another blog post I’ve written in the past was on BDSM and ethics. I thoroughly recommend that you read it. This also points back to point 15. My therapist has been amazing in helping Me navigate the road of consensuality and safe play, always asking Me “Is that ehtical” when I spoke of different things people had asked Me to do.

Don’t be a dick
Nobody likes a dick. Being a dick is not akin to being dominant. So just don’t do it. Be a nice person. (being a Dominatrix isn’t about being a cunt either)

Don’t get caught up in drama on social media
Remember the stuff about your website being your store front? Well, social media is your other store front. Think about how you want to appear to all your followers. Do you want them to see you as petty and bitchy? Or strong and above all the drama? It’s great to be opinionated, just don’t be opinionated about your peers.

Don’t burn yourself out
It’s great to have a good work ethic, and when you see the fruits of your success, it’s tempting to push harder and harder and watch the cash roll in. But remember, you are the product you are selling, and you’re no good to anyone if you are burnt out and broken. So take time to yourself, have days off when you switch off twitter and your email. Take holidays, and cultivate your personal life away from the scene.

Be wary of men who promise you the moon
Every so often, a guy will appear out of nowhere, promising to support you financially, buy you a house/car/holidays, and basically offering you all your wildest dreams. IT’S A TRAP!!! Who the fuck would offer all that to someone they’ve only met once, or even not at all? Don’t believe a word of it. Tell them to put their money where their mouth is, or to fuck off (politely, of course! Remember customer service!)

Don’t be too envious of what you see on social media
At first glance, it looks like Dommes are living the lives of Queens. Remember though, it’s easy to make anything look like anything on social media. You can pick and choose what you show to the world. Half the time, that massive wad of cash will be 2 months of under the mattress savings. That glamorous hotel lobby will be somewhere they just walked through. That gorgeous bed? Airbnb, baby! Concentrate on yourself rather than envying others. Work out what is most important to you in your life, and put all your efforts towards making sure that this is to your standard. For some it’s being able to travel to exotic places (but they might live in a shitty studio flat), for others it’s having a flashy car (and she might have the Mercedes but dress only in primark clothing), for other’s it’s the glamorous clothes (but for all you know, she might live very frugally outside of her wardrobe expenses). For Me, it’s My home. My money goes into making sure I have a wonderful, cozy, beautiful home. To each their own. Concentrate on what makes you happy, and fuck the boasters!

Network! (but not too much)
Get chatting with your peers, meet them for lunch or at events, organise filming together etc. But be discriminate. Don’t spread yourself too thin or you will lose your value. If you are everywhere else, why would someone pay your clip store when there are more videos of you elsewhere? Networking is also a great way to meet like minded people and make great friends.

Choose your friends wisely
It’s so important to have a good core group of friends in our world. The life of a Dominatrix is so alien to most people. You will need friends who can understand where you are coming from when you vent about your problems. Meet people who interest you, but take it slowly. Never expect anything of them, and if they seem to expect anything from you, run away!!! Give relationships the time to form. Proper friendships don’t form in a day, they form over years.

Play the long game
It’s very tempting when you try something new, to look for immediate results, and if you don’t see them, to abandon your idea as a failed project. Don’t! Believe in your ideas! Keep them going for a while and see if you build up an audience before abandoning them. Always think into the future, not day to day or month to month

Keep your public and personal profiles VERY separate.
Once again, the joys of the internet! You’ve chosen your Mistress name? Great! Now make sure that you set yourself up to have TOTALLY separate social media for personal and work related use. The last thing you want is people knowing your real name. Once again, this would leave you open to predators who might try to ruin your life. So make sure that there are zero links anywhere on the internet between your real and your Mistress name. Do frequent google searches of both, just to be 100% sure that they don’t blend into each other somewhere. Social media is a minefield for this! You might make friends on the scene who become real friends, and who you want to add to your personal facebook. Be careful, because if they use their facebook account for promotional purposes, your personal facebook account will start showing up in friend suggestions for all of their friends. I keep facebook strictly for personal, and only add kinky friends if they too have a totally vanilla profile.

  • Don’t undercut the competition
    It’s tempting to think you are pricing yourself too high when loads of guys email you saying you are too expensive and they would come and see you if you were cheaper. The thing is, even if you charged 50 quid an hour, you’d still get those same arseholes writing to you telling you you are too expensive. Some guys just want a bargain. Trust Me, it’s one of the downsides of setting up. You get all the guys who have ben blacklisted by other Ladies. But stick with it, charge what everyone else charges despite the guys trying to get special offers, and eventually, people will stop asking this and you will earn more.
  • Track your traffic
    Add google Analytics to your site. Use Alexa and other similar sites to track your website rankings. Basically, keep track if traffic to your site, and the sources it’s coming from. If you stay on top of this, it will help you in figuring out the ways that work best for you to funnel traffic to your site. It’s also a great way to see that Mistress directories are totally useless, lmao.

 

If you’re really serious about making this into a career, apply to film for the English Mansion.
Obviously, this only applies of you are UK based or travel to the UK. But seriously though, not only is The English Mansion an amazing site with huge amounts of traffic that will really help promote you and also seal your reputation as a world class Mistress, but on top of that Mistress Sidonia is fucking awesome and She deserves to be supported by all of Us for having been a trail blazer who has opened the door for all of us to be able to do what we do.

Don’t go too over the top when writing your bio
When writing the text for your website, keep it simple. The most important thing is to provide the information which a client will require in making his choice to see you. Don’t go too over the top with flowery language. Guys can see right through that. Speak in your own voice. Be genuine. Let your light shine through.

It’s ok to evolve
Over time, as you discover new things and grow as a person, your style will evolve. And that’s ok. You don’t need to stay exactly the same as when you started off. Let your evolution as a person bleed into your professional portrayal. All the best artists have reinvented themselves again and again. Just look at Bowie!

Don’t be a copy/paste
You are a unique human being. There has never been a you before, and there will never be a you again. Let that shine through in your professional persona. If you are true to yourself, it will be a lot easier than if you create a complete alter ego that you have to live up to day in day out. Also, people can spot a fake miles away. So however much you dream of being Dita Von Tease or Morticia Adams, keep that for a fun themed photo shoot, and the rest of the time, be you but with all the added sass you can muster

Get ready to be a pariah of society
People are uncomfortable about sex work. I’ve said it now, so accept it and get over it. People will judge you for being a Dominatrix. They will make assumptions about everything from your intelligence to your mental health based on your job. Some people will not want you in their circles because they are scared of the judgement of others. Rise above it. Be proud of what you do and be ready to honestly answer any questions that are asked of you. The best way to change people’s minds is to educate them. But never expect to be able to change people’s minds. Just accept that through choosing to walk into sex work, you’ve stepped away from normal society forever.

Don’t lose yourself in the Mistress, integrate the Mistress into you.
There’s a very high risk, when becoming a Mistress, to find the whole Femdom thing so liberating at first that you decide to abandon the real world and merge yourself into your Mistress persona. It’s known as Dominatrix Toxemia, and it’s a very real thing. As a Dominatrix, you suddenly hold such allure as you have never had before. People want to do all sorts of things for you. You can feel the power and it’s intoxicating. I mentioned above about staying grounded with one foot in the vanilla world, well here is another tip. Rather than lose yourself in your character, why not do the opposite? Learn from the strengths which you discover as your alter ego, and integrate those into your own true self. Obviously, everything about professional Femdom is a caricature, so tone them down a bit, and learn to feel that self confidence as you, not hiding behind the mask and whip of Mistress so and so.

Educate yourself
I can’t say this enough. Read, watch videos, do everything you can to educate yourself about SSC, RACK, mental health, D/s dynamics, the history of BDSM, hygiene, health and safety, and of course, and kinks that you are into. If you like medical play, learn how to do it properly and confidently before getting paid to do it. Same goes for whipping, breath play, rope, etc etc… Knowledge is power, so arm yourself!

Stay safe
If you get a funny feeling about someone, don’t see them. It’s not worth the risk. If you do an out call, always have a friends close by who knows exactly where you are going. Join up to sex worker rights groups, sign up to National Ugly Mugs who send out info on dangerous punters. Do everything you can to be as safe as you can. Never take any unnecessary risks!

Don’t be scared to hug your clients
At the end of the day, what we all want is human connection. Every one of My clients gets a hug before they leave. Some are quite taken aback by it, but they still love it. If we took part in some especially intense play, they even get a cup of tea and biscuits and a nice chat while they rest their head on My knee and I stroke their hair. After all, they deserve it having gone through all that for Me. Take care of your boys. Show them you care.

Invest in a good male masturbator.
Men will be men, and that means it’s all about their cocks. Most men who come to see you will want a wank. To avoid having to break your arm serial wanking men, put some money towards a really good male masturbator. Whether it be a Venus 2000, a fleshlight attached to a fuck machine, or some other fancy contraption, just make sure you invest in the best. It will be worth it and your wrists will thank you.

Be discreet around your work place
I generally turn up to My dungeon dressed like a tramp. You want to avoid attracting attention around your work place, so My advice is to really dress down, so nobody would ever imagine that you were a sex worker. Keep clothes and make up at work and make yourself look the part once you are safely through the threshold of your safe space. I even complete the tramp look by carting stuff back and forth between home and work in a granny shopping trolley. Mine’s great. it has 3 wheels on each side which makes it easy to drag up and down stairs.

Don’t make friends with your work neighbours
Around your play space, keep to yourself. Be that withdrawn character who seems really shy. The less people know about you, the better. Don’t get chatty with your neighbours, even if they seem really nice. The more they know about you, the more curious they’ll get, and that’s bad for you.

The only person you can rely on is you
You’re self employed, so get over it. Things aren’t going to plan? You can only blame yourself. Money isn’t coming in? You can only blame yourself. Feeling persecuted by subs/other Mistresses? You can only blame yourself. You need to buck up and admit that the only person who can help you in this life is you. So if you’re unhappy about something, get off your arse and sort it out yourself. Here is a picture which will be very useful in helping you navigate the crazy world of professional Femdom.

s9ryiot

And with that, I bid you farewell, hoping this was useful to you and that I haven’t put you off being a Dominatrix. Good luck!

If you are a professional Dominatrix and feel that you have more advice to add, please write it in the comments below. I would love this post to become a forum for sharing.

19 Comments
  • melody
    Reply

    This is an excellent list. So much good advice across the spectrum. I wish my former owner had read this. She turned pro in order to make money from her natural inclination to be a domme. Although she did many of the things listed here she sadly suffered from a form of #43. In not being able to let go of the mistress persona her real persona suffered to the extent that she could no longer be free to be the natural domme. In the end she had to give it all up because the professional domme became too cynical and it destroyed all her private desires.

    #1 took my attention for a different reason. Whilst not in the same league as being accused of selling nuclear weapons, my mother was a professional book keeper and as such also did the books for the small business my father ran. They had almost annual investigations from HMRC because they couldn’t believe a small business could keep such perfect books.

    A great list and well done for the work in finding 50 things, all of great value.

    6th December 2016 at 6:52 pm
  • Wayne Porter
    Reply

    Excellent article. Idle curiosity leads me to ask if the French police suspected your father of selling nuclear weapons what was his real business?

    6th December 2016 at 9:06 pm
  • Very generous of you, Mistress Evilyne, to take the time to write this up and provide it to aspiring Dommes without tribute! Many points here are very good and I agree with them, but there are a couple of things I’d like to comment on, if I may.

    The most cringe-worthy issue I have is with number 47: that Dommes give handjobs/wank guys off. Lots of us don’t and I’d make that very clear to your audience so that men don’t keep coming to us with the wrong expectations.

    Another is with number 43, where you say “Obviously, everything about professional Femdom is a caricature”. It depends on the Domme. Some people don’t practice that way. Or, if they do, it doesn’t necessarily mean it isn’t an accurate reflection of who they are. It does grow tiresome to have people approach you with the expectation that everything you do is an act. Statements like this enforce that notion.

    One I’d add to your list is to be yourself. Just because other Dommes do something or you saw it in porn, doesn’t mean you have to do it to be taken seriously or be successful. What people see in porn is often not what an actual session will look like. Most Dommes do not engage in intimate body worship or have sex with their clients. Some don’t even engage in nudity. Don’t do things that make you uncomfortable or aren’t reflections of who you are.

    7th December 2016 at 7:20 am
  • Jessica Bardot
    Reply

    Wow Mistress Evilyne it’s very informative. Thank you for sharing your perspective of the Dominatrix World. You should write a book Gorgeous.

    Hugs Jessica x

    7th December 2016 at 8:22 am
  • Such a good article, thank you for taking the time to write all this down and t is sure to help many people especially the novices!

    7th December 2016 at 10:28 am
  • Mistress Scarlett Black
    Reply

    What a wonderful piece of very informative and practical information ,
    Fabulous blog !

    7th December 2016 at 10:00 pm
  • What a fine list! I hope it helps some newbies to make the right decision about becoming a ProDomme. Although over the last years I saw a lot of women (old and young, expercienced sex workers and total virgins alike) who got that kind of talk face to face and still thought with them everything will be different because they are the Princess the world has been waiting for…

    What I would like to add is the importance of good photos.
    With “good” I don’t mean that they need to be high gloss photos in super expensive locations with super expensive photographers. Today even most mobile phones are able to produce a decent quality of pictures. But there should be more than thousands of blurry selfies. Most of all the pictures should really reflect who you are: Don’t allow a makeup artist to transform you into something that doesn’t look at all like what you look like normally while doing sessions. Don’t pose with fancy things that you don’t own or can’t handle (e.g. ropes if you are not skilled in bondage or expensive latex couture from the photographers fundus when all you have is wetlook from the nearby sex shop). Don’t overdo it with Photoshop. People like to recognize the person from the picture 😉 Make photos you can stand up for in reality! Pose in a way that reflects your natural habitus during a session, wear and show things you really enjoy and show what you love. There will be others loving the same thing and that will bring you good clients and good sessions. Blindly reproducing dominatrix clichees will not help anyone on a long shot.

    8th December 2016 at 10:14 am
  • Tony
    Reply

    Regarding 35. “Keep your public and personal profiles VERY separate.. I keep facebook strictly for personal”. There’s more you need to do if worried about your privacy. As a fetish media producer I have separate email accounts for fetish work and personal life as do the models I work with, but somehow google / gmail / facebook makes links (maybe they’ve used their real name / contact details when setting up work email accounts? Giving apps access to your contact list on devices?) and I have been surprised to have been offered a couple of personal profiles of models I’ve worked with as “people you may know” in my own personal facebook.

    Obviously this doesn’t matter so much as I already know their real names from working with them and I have enough respect for the people I work with that I’m not going to attempt to intrude into their personal sphere without invitation, but just to point out, I don’t know how this happens, but just swapping emails from your “work” email account can be enough to have your personal facebook account pop up as “people you may know” in someone’s personal facebook account.

    When you set up email accounts you’re going to use exclusively for business don’t use your correct name / phone number during the setup if you also associate those with personal social media accounts, as the pervasive way apps work to network people may link those details and offer your personal accounts as people who you email from the work email address (that you thought was entirely separate) may know.

    To quickly summarise, people may think they have kept their public and personal profiles separate when actually some people they have emailed from “work” gmail / outlook accounts are being offered their personal profiles as “people they may know” on FB.

    9th December 2016 at 8:42 am
  • This is all fantastic advice!

    My personal perspective is to Always be Your Best – Don’t be lazy or dismissive of your clients… never think “oh it’s just a xxx” – remember that people are paying you a lot of money and setting aside plenty of time. Respect their sacrifice and if you’re not interested don’t take the booking. Why would you want someone to walk away from your dungeon thinking “that was okay”, when it could be “Oh My Goddess”! If you start being lazy with the amount of effort you put into your play/appearance/ everything you’re not going to succeed for long.

    Which leads to 34 and 36 don’t try and squeeze as much money as possible from each new booking – play the long game with your clients as well. It can be tempting to price yourself at the top of the market but take a look and get a feel for the range of pricing in your market, Quite often the most successful ladies are not charging the most for 1hour – but they’re probably getting a lot of longer sessions and a far higher Return To Mistress rate. Every session is an audition for the next one (this applies just as much to clients as Dommes btw).

    But – don’t rip yourself off! Don’t undercut and undermine yourself by going way over time, doing things you’re not into or putting up with rudeness from clients.

    17th December 2016 at 9:29 am
  • I always love this blog :).

    14th May 2017 at 2:08 pm
  • Excellent read! We shared it on our twitter page @AltDatingClub to our followers, keep up the good work!

    7th June 2017 at 2:04 pm

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